Amazed

God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me.  His timing is perfect and His messages for me placed for me with such precision and care.  I've not been a good daughter of the King this weekend.  I've been grumpy and frustrated.  I've let self-doubt and self-pity enter my heart yet all day today I have been blessed by messages from my Abba Daddy that have set me free.  This is gonna be a long one but bear with me...it's got a happy ending.  Let's back up though to Friday for an accurate picture...

Friday was my nephew's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese.  For the record, I do not love this place...too noisy, too crazy and way to much overstimulation for my brain!  Hubby was set to go camping with the fellas from church.  Rush to the store to get a present.  Rush to the party...oops, forgot the chair I was asked by Hubby to bring.  Not much sympathy for the fact that I single-handedly wrangled the 3 very excited young ones into the car, in and out of a store and into the party.  Nope, instead disappointment because I forgot the chair.  ARGH!  Several hours later, 3 tired and grumpy little boys packed back into the car to whine all the way home and bedtime.  None of this tragic but definitely painful to my allergy congested head.

Saturday brought a larger allergy induced headache compounded by a particularly upsetting convo with my oldest.  "Look at what I got for $45," says the boy.  I turn and find "snake bite" piercings marring my child's lower lip.  "Are you kidding me," was the start, followed by, "Get out of my site for a bit 'cause I'm so mad I'm gonna blow."  A personal conversation mumbled over slamming pots and pans ensued for the next 5 minutes.  Soon, a somewhat calmer, less shell-shocked Mom was able to have a quieter and more rational conversation with Mr. Kyle.  I admitted great fear to him...fear that he is losing his true self in his decisions to try to find some identity other than what God is intending.  I admitted fear that he's pulling away from his faith and beliefs.  I admitted fear of what his influence on the younger 3 looks like in the future if these are going to be his actions.  Cam and Jake simply stared at him in horror.  Cam left the room but ever vocal Jake pronounced the piercings to be "ugly" and "stupid looking."  Out of the mouths of babes!  All day I fretted and prayed, prayed and fretted over where this child is going.  I should point out that it isn't the actual piercings I don't approve of.  I do not have an issue with piercings or tattoos - it's an individual choice.  I haven't really considered or looked at the biblical perspective on it.  I object to Kyle having them simply because they are not "true" to who he is and has been.  My niece is heavily tattooed and pierced but she has always been interested in them - lip piercing at 13 and eyebrow piercing at 14.  That's true to who she is.

Saturday night brought me to my knees weeping.  I appreciate when God brings me to full surrender like this but in the moment Saturday night I simply was a soul in pain and feeling very alone.  I could not reach Ron at all on Saturday and was feeling very vulnerable.  The boys acted up a bit in the evening which taxed the remaining strength I had and sometime around midnight I burst into tears.  It wasn't the slow quiet tears that run down your cheeks.  This was the deep gutteral cries that burn their way out.  I finally fell asleep close to 4 am.

Sunday brought illness.  Yep, I was sick.  Sick in body and sick in heart.  Ron came home, dealt more rationally with Kyle and took all the boys to church.  I crawled back in bed and remained there all day.  Kyle removed the piercings after talking with his dad and getting advice from some who are close to him.  I am thankful for the God-influenced friends and mentors placed in his life. 

Today I woke up physically better but still with a restless spirit.  Questions of why running through my brain.  Why am I such a bad mother?  Why won't Kyle talk to me?  Why did my husband do a better job reaching him?  Why am I angry about Ron camping and my being alone?  Where were you, God, in all this?  Why didn't You protect him?  Why didn't You stop him?  Can you just hear the enemy in all that?  He attacked me where I was vulnerable - as a mother and as a wife. 

But, I serve a mighty God and HE loves ME.  It wasn't long before he sent me a word through my Diva Principle calendar - "In spite of loss or disappointment, divas know their true worth and do not shrink from seeking it. They do not second-guess God or themselves because they know God's proven track record of goodness. They have a determination to survive and excel against all odds."  Convicted and corrected.

Soon, as I was reading Andy Stanley's The Grace of God, I was shown, "Every parent with multiple children eventually comes to understand this.  To let an older child get away with creating chaos in the home is an invitation to the younger siblings to follow suit.  To allow an older sibling to get away with creating chaos in the home is to refuse to protect the other kids in the home.  So God chose not to destroy (speaking of Adam and Eve's apple eating) but to discipline."  Affirmation that I'm on the right track - Wow!  Two messages from God within an hour.  What a balm to my aching heart. 

The late morning brought a devotional piece from Lysa Terkuerst. http://lysaterkeurst.com/2010/10/the-mother-load/ How did this woman know what was going on in my house? - she wrote all about it!  The afternoon brought a message sent from a gal who used to go to our church.  She ran into Kyle a few weeks ago at work and told him what an awesome mom he has but didn't tell him who she was.  She just suddenly felt the urge to share that with me today.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  God, You are amazing!  I cannot begin to tell you how uplifted I feel.  I realize it isn't about that "mountain top" feeling but the knowledge that God would send that many messages to me to encourage me is so good.  It humbles me and makes me thankful that I stopped and the Holy Spirit showed me that the words were specifically sent to restore me.  That's love.  That's grace.  Undeserved but still given.

Lord, there aren't words to speak that convey my gratitude this day.  When I felt so down, You picked me up.  You sent me sisters to encourage me.  You sent me messages that I might have missed if I continued to let the enemy mess with my heart.  Thank you for eyes that recognize the blessings found in the simple things in life.  Thank you for the softening of this heart and for the protection You provide.  I will rest in the shelter of Your wings! 

The Sorrow of Can't

Yesterday I found out that I have to have surgery.  I have adenomyosis which affects my uterus.  It's not cancerous...just inconvenient and can cause other complications.  Hysterectomy is the only way to completely resolve the problem (ovaries appear ok so hopefully they will stay and no hormone therapy.)  I share this because I am a woman.  I was designed to bring life.  My body was created to bring life.  Granted, Ron and I have chosen to not have more children but my body still could...when the surgery takes place that changes to can't.  I cannot ever bear another child and there is some loss in that.  What a huge difference between "won't" and "can't".  I'm experiencing sorrow over the idea.  This morning I was on the verge of tears because the "life-bringer" part of my life will truly be over but God is so much bigger. 

I heard a small voice deep in my heart whisper to me "Child, I understand this sorrow."  I replied, "Um, Excuse me Lord, not be rude, but You aren't a woman.  How can You understand my inability to ever bring life?"  That's when it hit me, who better to understand this pain and sorrow?  God promises that He will bring us life...if we ask for it.  If we do not, He cannot.  He understands the sorrow of can't when it comes to giving life.  He can put circumstances in our life so that we turn to Him but He can't make us love Him.  He made a covenant to let us go our way and discover Him.  For the first time in my life, I have a glimpse of the heartache God feels when one of His precious and loved children will not choose Him, choose life.  I have 4 beautiful children who I adore and who love me.  God has millions of beautiful children who He adores and who love Him - but He grieves for millions more who He cannot breathe life into because they will not choose Him.  My heart breaks, not for my own situation - this grief will resolve itself - but for all who died never knowing the life that they could have had.  My heart breaks for those who are walking on this earth right now who are hurting and will not choose life with my Savior.

Lord, You overwhelm me.  When I would be selfish and sit in my despair, You bring light to me.  You open my eyes and my heart.  You show me more of Your vulnerability and teach me so much more about Your love.  You are my life.  You are my love.  You are my wisdom.  Lord, give me bold words and a bold attitude to share You with those who are seeking.  Keep me open and vulnerable so that others may find You when they watch me.  I know the world is watching.  I know the enemy is waiting in the wings to run in to those who observe and say to them..." See, she fell.  She's faulty.  If God is perfect, then why isn't she?  If God loves her, then why do bad things happen in her life."  Give me the power to overcome his whispers, get up and walk on in Your light.  It doesn't matter much to me if I fall down - that's being human.  It matters that I get up and thank you.  It matters that I direct all attention to You for reaching down and picking me up.  You watch over me.  Amen.

Surrender

I’m trying to stay on task with all things I must accomplish today. There is so much noise. The roofers are banging away with their radio blasting – Mariachi music, which I love, but today it is just plain annoying. I find it competing with my own praise music coming from the TV. The internet is not working again. Bang…there goes another crash on the roof. SO MUCH NOISE! There is no sign of a restful heart this morning. I find myself keeping time and rhythm with all the chaos. Anxious, frantic, heart pounding out of control and in this moment I realize why I am out of sync. Did I stop and thank You this morning Lord? Did I pause for just a moment and acknowledge Your presence in my life today? Did I invite You to guide my steps?

In this exact moment, as I realize I started my day without You, the phone rings. It’s the internet company acknowledging their system is having issues again. Frustration gives way to understanding and encouragement to the poor man on the phone who is having a much worse day than I. I shut the stereo off, why am I adding to the noise by competing with the roofers’ music? In fact, I was missing out. They are joyously working away on my roof and I can hear them singing along. A smile crosses my face as I listen and watch the young man outside my window dance and then climb the ladder with shingles on his back. You are at work. You are giving me peace. You are reminding me that You are present through the chaos if only I ask You to meet me there. It would have been easy to let the enemy derail my day in frustration, to be unkind words on my lips. You have again proven to be trustworthy. You’ve brought me new mercies as I consciously re-start my day with You at the wheel. It’s continual surrender of this life. Oh how I need You.

The lyrics of Phil Wickham’s Always Forever play over in my mind but  as I recall that You need me too.

You (Jacci) are the love I need.

You (Jacci) are the air I breathe.

You (Jacci) are my love my life

Always Forever

I have laid down my life

Just to be by your side

You are my love my life

Always Forever

You need me willing to surrender. You need me willing to cry out to You, to worship You, to adore You, to love You. It’s not that You cannot do anything and everything…but You choose to need me. It doesn’t make You weak – instead You become stronger to me and more alive. I need You to save me and You do. I need You to love me and You do, in spite of myself. I need You to guide me but You need me to ask You. You love me so much that You will let me go my own way if that is what I chose. Lord, You humble me as I realize that Your beautiful heart is vulnerable. You crave me as much as I crave You. You truly pursue me and romance me but You need me to do the same. So I am running to You, chasing You, seeking more of You, loving You more each moment as You reveal Yourself to me.

Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it. Hebrews 4:16 (NLT)

God, it is to Your throne I come asking forgiveness for walking out into the world without You this day. Thank You for all the distractions – they were the guides bringing me back to You. As much as I dislike frustration, You work it for good. You use my failings to teach me and remind me that it’s a daily surrender of my life. Let me be a beacon of Your beauty today. Give me words of encouragement to share with others. Be the light in my eyes and the attitude of grace shown in all that I do. Amen

Expectation

It is true we get what we expect. Our expectations affect our countenance and our posture and signal to others if they should take our request seriously or not. Divas walk in constant expectation of blessing, promotion and open doors. They keep their eyes fixed on an open heaven. Not out of a sense of entitlement but from a heart that believes God wants to bless them.  The Diva Principle for Everyday Living - Michelle McKinney Hammond

 

Expectation according to Webster is "a thing looked forward to or a prospect of future good."  We've all heard a multitude of sermons preached on it.  The Word instructs us to wait in expectation on God's movement, His blessing, His annointing, His answers and His coming. 

 

For as many times as I've heard the message, I'm not always certain it has sunk deep into my heart.  As a child, I remember the expectation of my sister's birth. My dad had me convinced that we were having an "Indian Baby" (as in Native American) because we lived close to a reservation and I loved how pretty the babies were - all dark eyes, dark hair, dark skin. My 4 1/2 year old heart was excited.  Halloween 1975 came along with a beautiful strawberry blonde, blue eyed and pale white baby.  This was not the creature I was in expectation of.  I was mad and declared "that's not MY baby."  Poor Marjorie, I'm sorry!  Once the tantrum was over, I realized she was perfect.  So sweet and cuddly and my own living doll.  I could not wait for all the things we would do together...grow up, get married, have babies and perfect lives.  Expectation.

 

Fast forward a few months and things took a different turn.  My perfect baby doll had a major stroke that could have taken her life.  Thus began a life far different from what my expectations were for her.  Marjorie was a medically fragile child and in children's hospitals many times.  We still played all the games little girls do and one would never know she had so many issues other than she seemed just a few steps behind her peers.  My expectation was that it would always be this way and we would grow up, get married and though the danger of pregnancy was too great to a fetus she could still adopt and we would have perfect lives.  Expectation.

 

Adolescence brings budding adulthood and chemical changes to our bodies.  Those changes took a less than pleasant turn for Marjorie's epilepsy. Puberty  can worsen epilepsy as was her case.  I was already mad at God by this time and had decided to not live in expectation of anything good from Him.  Wasn't it His choice to rob us of our dad when I was 16?  Oh, the attitude of a young hurting heart.  Marjorie's epilepsy turned much worse, enough so that it threatened her life.  In high school she endured, we endured, 5 brain surgeries.  Two to cut down the seizure activity in her brain and three to fight the infection that wormed its way into her skull.  Those surgeries robbed her of speech, the majority of control of her right side hand and leg and the ability to walk.  Speech and walking were brought back through rigorous therapy.  Her greatest loss - long term memories.  Expectation changed and disappointment reigned.  I was 19 when she had the first surgery and 24 when she finally graduated high school - she was 14 and 20.  By this time, all I expected from God was disappointment.

 

Time marched on as it always does.  At 28, I met the man who would become my husband at 31.  Marjorie was my maid of honor.  At 32, I gave birth to Ron's and my first son together.  Marjorie was at the birth just as she was for my first son, Kyle - waiting outside the room in expectation of a sweet nephew.  In January 2005, she cried her heart out with me when we lost our sweet baby girl at 17 weeks.  In April 2006, she became an auntie again with the birth of Jacob.  2008 saw us move away from her to Oklahoma - I cannot describe the pain she felt.  May of 2009, she was again present for Evan's birth.  If you ask her what one of her greatest joys is, she tell you it's being an aunt.  My step-siblings all have kids galore for her to love on.  She lavishes love on each niece and nephew - and in truth, spoils them rotten :)

 

My sister is amazing!  She's outlived all doctor expectations.  Her spirit soars, most days, in a body that fails her.  Her life has been ongoing proof that miracles still happen.  Yes, I came back home to Jesus in 1999, she never left Him.  It's been a journey for me to learn to not set the expectations for this life on earth - I have to leave circumstances to the path of my Creator.  This is not the expectation I set for my sister's life but if it had been different, would I have witnessed so many miracles?  Would my children have missed out on the blessing of seeing God work? 

 

Marjorie's faith never waivered through it all.  She doesn't understand why this is the path chosen for her and fully admits that there are days when it seems too much to bear but there is a light that shines from her life.  She's been touched by the hand of God and if one stops to look, one can see that there is just something a little bit different...a little bit greater in her.  God works good in ALL things.  I can expect that!  God's hand guides our path if we surrender.  I can expect that!  God promises me an eternity with my dear sister where her earthly troubles will pass away.  Yes, I live in expectation of that! 

 

Thank you Lord for the life of my sister.  Her life has taught me much about expectation.  Today, I will live in expectation that You will guide my life, and hers, in a way that only You can.  Thank you that I can expect eternity and blessing because You are the center of my heart.  Keep me focused today on Your ways.  Thank you for loving me and for Your daily mercies and grace.  I trip and fall often enough, yet You pick me up, dust me off and send me back on the path.  You are good!

Learning My Work

As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us. Colossians 1:9 - The Message

I love my quiet time with the Lord.  One of my favorite things to do is to take a passage in a translation I am very familiar with and then go look it up in The Message Bible.  The simple change of putting the verse into modern English often takes me to a deeper level of understanding.  Today was one of those days.

I get impatient and even frustrated with my walk and relationship with God at times.  In all honesty, sometimes it just feels stagnant and as if there is a large gulf between us.  It isn't that He pulls away, it's that I do.  I don't pull away intentionally but I do let sin or my hurt feelings get in the way between us.  It's as if there is a wall that I can't get through and often it's there because I refuse to acknowledge my sin for what it is.  I've been known to either ignore it or try to justify it.  "Well, Jesus, I forgave her but don't you think she's wrong and I'm right" (Hello Pride)  Times like this require me to go back to the Word and check my attitude and heart condition against what it says.  I "learn more and more how God works" so that I might "learn how to do my work."

Learning a new language is hard.  Learning a new trade is hard.  Learning to think and act like Christ is one of the greatest challenges.  We are fleshy little creatures afterall.  I love the rest of this verse though.  I love the picture of "glory-strength".  Over the long haul of my life here on earth I want that type of strength and dedication.  Don't you find sometimes that emotions over our circumstances make us have the "gritting our teeth" sort of strength instead?  It's as if we say, "Ok, I'll bear through it because I must" instead of having the attitude that says, "Ok Lord.  This is tough but I'm thankful You will get me through.  Help me stay focused on You and not give into my feelings and grumblings." My life here on this blue-green planet may seem like a long haul at times but my mighty God has all of eternity waiting for me.

Abba, on this day give me the courage to live with Your glory-strength.  Remind me of Your divine words spoken today.  Be quick to bring them to mind when the little frustrations of this short life would seek to remove me from Your path.  Pluck my eyes from my head and replace them with Yours as I look at each situation I encounter today.  Let Your words be spoken from these lips and shut my mouth when my fleshy, human nature would seek to take over.  I'm in it with You for the term of my earthly life so that I may be in it with You for all eternity.   Amen.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall...who's the whiniest one of all?

As a dear friend wrote back on my Facebook page today - "nothing like a healthy dose of perspective".  Yep, needed that one.  I've had a rough day full of computer issues, fussy and pukey baby, disobedient boys, and crazy back spasms.  Really, a normal day for anyone living life as a parent.  Today, I whined.  Yep, whined.  On Facebook...and to my mom and my oldest son and my hubby.  Pity party - table of one. 

Funny thing is I had just read a chapter out Lysa Terkeurst's "Becoming More Than a Good Bible Study Girl" while picking up the kids.  The chapter?  How Jesus Helps Me Get My Groove Back.  The topic?  Thankfulness.  Now while reading the chapter I was all about, "Preach it Girl.  That's good stuff."  Once I came home and the snowballing craziness hit me, I forgot all about keeping an attitude of thankfulness and went straight to an attitude of grumbliness (I realize that may not be an actual word but you get the point).

Once things quieted a bit, I checked up on Facebook and received my healthy dose of reality and perspective.  I'm not proud of the face in mirror of my heart looking back at me this evening.  While I was grumbling away in my home there is a precious daughter of Christ in critical condition.  She has been facing a situation that breaks this mother's heart.  This Sunday she lost the first of her twins and try as they might, the doctors could not save the other baby either.  Both were just too early.  This is a tragedy indeed but her story doesn't end there.  She's had complications resulting in heart failure, kidney failure and it is unknown how much damage to her precious brain occured while she spent 17 minutes without oxygen.  Her family waits at her side for a miracle that can only come from the great Healer.

I went to the page her friends created.  The prayers and love coming to this family is staggering.  She has truly made an impact in many lives - some of whom I go to church with.  So many people are posting pictures of this beautiful woman but mostly they post prayers of love and strength.  I find that I am humbled and brought to my knees not only asking for healing to take place but for much forgiveness of my selfishness.  It's not about me and it's not about the silly things that would seek to derail me...it's about thanking God for every challenge because He will ALWAYS find a way to make good of all things.

Please join me in praying for Leslie.  You can get updates on her condition on her Facebook page titled Loving Leslie.  Thank you Lord that even amidst this dark valley - You still shine light and You still give us hope.

Oh Emily Post

Today while out in the garage, I came across my mother-in-law's copy of Etiquette by Emily Post - published 1955 (originally published 1922). Any of you who were blessed enough to have met my M-I-L Betty knows that she put manners and etiquette very high on her priority list. She wasn't always the most tactful with family but in "polite society" there is no one person I can think of who ever had better manners or ease of grace at entertaining.

I opened the book and came across this passage, "Decency means not merely propriety of speech and conduct, but honesty and trustworthiness in every obligation. Integrity includes not only honesty but a delicacy of motive and fairness in appraising the motives of others. Self-respect, among many other things, means refusal to accept obligations that one is unwilling to return. This word unwilling is of importance, since there is no more contemptible person than one who takes all he can get and gives as little as he can. Loyalty means faithfulness not only to friends, but to principles."

WOW - I now know why this woman has always been so highly regarded for her opinion on manners and proper values. I don't know a lot about Emily Post but just by reading that bit, I think she must have known God very well. As Christians aren't we told to guard our tongues, be honest and speak the truth in all matters. Are we not held to regard the values of Christ as the model for our behavior and to be considerate of all people - even when they aren't "just like us?" We are to have self-respect and not make vows we cannot or will not keep. We are to give as much as we can and graciously take what is freely given (ugh, do I struggle with that one - can I get an AMEN?) We are to be faithful - to each other, to God, to our beliefs. Way to go Emily - you preach it Sister! (I sense a groan for my use of "slang" on that one from our dearly departed Emily)

What an amazing book! Now, I have no use for much of the specific customs of how to run your household complete with maid, butler, valet, etc... but there is still excellent principle within how to treat those who "society" would not consider an equal. What wonderful advice on letter writing and making a home inviting. Some of these "old-fashioned" ideas are still so applicable today - and have been copied and sold off as "new". For example, the love bank. Sound familiar to those who have done marriage studies? It's our dear friend, Emily, who writes "If something is seriously wrong, if she (speaking of the wife) is really ill, that is different. But of the petty things that are only remembered in order to be told to gain sympathy - beware! There is a big deposit of sympathy in the bank of love, but don't draw out little sums every hour or so - so that by and by, when perhaps you need it badly, it all drawn out and you yourself don't know how or on what it was spent." Dr. Lehman...did you read Emily Post before you started your books? Did you Dr. Dobson? LOL! I think I'm going to keep this book handy in the house for future reference. It's good to be reminded that what was true in the days of the bible still rang true in 1922 and still ring true today!

Refined

Refined according to Dictionary.com

1. having or showing well-bred taste


2. free from coarseness or vulgarity


3. freed from impurities


4. very subtle, precise or exact

Hmmm, interesting. Have you ever seen something be refined? When I was young, my dad would take me with him to the shooting range and we would pick up all manner of "slugs" from around the targets (common practice to go to the shooting range when your daddy is a policeman). We would take them home and he would make his own bullets for target practice with them. How cool...my dad was "green" before the term was ever coined. My job was to search carefully under and around the targets in the dirt for little bits of banged up metal.

Dad had a special melting pot that went to extreme high temperatures to melt the discarded metal bits. He would slowly add bits of metal until the pot had enough in it then he used a special scoop to take the "slag" off the top. This is a time consuming process and take precision since you don't want to take away all the purified metal but just the spoils. He would watch and wait until the molten liquid took on the right "color" then he would pour some into small molds for the bullets and the rest he would pour into bars reserved for later use. I would wait and wait and wait for them to be cooled so I could play with them and to be able to help make the bullets. Daddy was always good about making sure that I knew how important my role of helper was to him and would often praise me for how quickly I would find the metal bits at the range and how well I loaded the shells in the tubes. Strangely enough, it takes adulthood for me to remember how much that meant to me.

As for the left over lead bars...did you know they are bright silver? I loved to play with them. The color was fabulous and I would pretend it was real silver. They were the "treasure" we used for pirate, cowboy, cops & robber games. Refined bits of spent metal that was heated at just the right temperature to clear the impurities and let their true color shine through.

How lucky I have been to see this process play out in real life so that I might remember that I too am just a bit of spent metal all dirty and banged up, picked up with loving hands from the ground to be carefully heated, carefully cleaned of my spoils and carefully made into a treasure. It's an awesome God that cares so much for me. I get myself dirty often enough but still He takes the heat that could damage me and uses it instead to carefully work out His design by removing my selfishness, my pride, my control, my self-pity, my anger, my resentment, my jealousy and any other sins I am guilty of. I am excited to see what my true color and design will be as I strive to stay in the melting pot and let the Master do His work to make me into His treasure.

Breathe

This morning I finished a few minor things around the house waiting for Evan to take his morning nap so I could have my quiet time. I could not find my study bible anywhere...irritating but not monumental since God led me to a better place. He led me to the scrapbook that I made several years ago for a women's retreat. In it I saw Psalm 23:3 "He renews my strength. He guides me along right paths, bringing honor to his name."(NLT). Pretty classic stuff. I felt an urging though to go look it up in a different version - The Message to be specific and I read "True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction."

Catch my breath. Hmm, yep, sounds about right. I've been running a million miles an hour for a long time now. Good things, not empty, selfish things. Kingdom things. I've served on ministries, worked with youth, led studies, spoken truth and love - even firm correction - into the lives family and friends. I've suffered through losses of those I love. I've moved across the country in obedience. These are good things but they are all "doing, doing, doing".

Oh, I know...I don't earn my salvation by the doing - that wasn't the motivation. I truly love to serve. I'm at my best when I can open my home and my heart to someone - love on them, meet their needs. It's the nurturing spirit I have. God made me this way BUT he also created in me the need to BE. To be quiet. To be still. To wait on Him. To sit at His feet. To lay down my burdens. To ask for forgiveness. To be humble. To make Him my priority. To meditate on the word. To apply it to my life. To be ready and available for His profound word spoken to my heart by the Holy Spirit. To be filled so I can slosh all over someone when His timing is right.

Forgive me Abba, I've been so busy doing the Kingdom work - I forgot to BE the Kingdom work. It's the changes in my heart, it's the growing to be more and more in Christ's image and less and less in my own image that will matter.

It's time to slow down and breathe. How can I know where my path will go next if I don't look up to the guide of my life, take His hand and let him pull me from the soft meadow where he's set me down to rest? If I'm so tired that my shoulders are slumped and I'm looking down then it's too easy to trip. Thank you, patient Father, Your ways are so much more wise. This servant is now learning to be quiet. I will sit in the meadow with my head in your lap as you impart your wisdom. We'll go when YOU are ready. Tell me your stories, share with me the plans you have for my life. We'll go when YOU are ready. Let me sleep in your arms, nestled secure and safe. We'll go when YOU are ready.

Captivating

I started a new book today. One of the community groups (small groups) at our church has begun a new series on the book "Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman's Soul" by John and Stasi Eldredge. I read John's book "Wild at Heart" at the recommendation of my friend Sarah. It's a must read for any and all mothers of boys. (Sarah, girl, I think I still have the book packed up in my stuff since I can't remember giving it back to you...I'll have to check and send it up) It was refreshing to find that I am exactly the right mom for boys - I do let them play warriors, shoot the bad guys and do all things "boyish". I have stood in as their "princess" to be rescued on more than one occasion.

Stasi's book is along the same lines as her husband's but it discusses how we are made to be beautiful. We aren't to fall into the trap that has been set for us as defined by society and unfortunately, by our churches. Here is an excerpt that really touched me today given my current situation: "We know the expectations that have been laid upon us by our families, our churches and our cultures. There are reams of materials on what you ought to do to be a good woman. But that is not the same as knowing what the journey toward becoming a woman involves, or even what the goal should be. The church has not been a big help here. No, that's not quite honest enought. The church has been part of the problem. Its message to women has been primarily "you are here to serve. That's why God created you: to serve. In the nursery, in the kitchen, on the various committees, in your home, in your community." Seriously now - picture the models of feminity in the church. They are sweet, they are helpful, their hair is coiffed, they are busy, they are disciplined, they are composed, and they are tired.

Skip ahead and we find: "God created you as a woman. That's how and where you bear his immage. Your feminine heart has been created with the greatest of all possible dignities - as a reflection of God's own heart. You are a woman to your soul, to the very core of your being. And so the journey to discover what God meant when he created woman in his image - when he create you as his woman - that journey begins with your heart. Look at all the games that little girls play, and if you can, remember what you dreamed of as a little girl. Look at the movies women love. Listen to your own heart and the hearts of the women you know. What is it that a woman wants? What does she dream of? Think again of women like Tamar, Ruth, Tahab - not very "churchy" women, but women held up for esteem in the Bible. We think you'll find that evey woman in her heart of hearts longs for 3 things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty. That's what makes a woman come alive."


Now, that just really spoke to my soul today. I've recently resigned my position on the committees I'm on to rest. It's time for my soul to rest and to let others lead the way for a while. It's time I focused on what I am uniquely created to do - to rediscover the God-directed purpose in my life. No, I'm not in the middle of a "life-crisis". That might be a first thought since age 4-0 is less than 6 months away...I'm actually excited about that. My 30's were so much better than my 20's. My 20's were so much better than my teens. I'm thinking...Ok, let's be 40 then and get on with the new adventure. I have a good grasp on my role as mother, my role as wife, as daughter, as sister, as friend - somewhere though I have a feeling I've lost my role as me. I know deep down I am more than the sum of these roles. Don't mistake me, we're not talking a childish, selfish ME, ME, ME ... it's all about ME kind of a thing here. I have a unique role as myself too and I've lost it. I need to discover a deeper sense of who I AM in Christ. I am certain this book is the start of a journey that is going to take me into a deeper understanding of the heart of a woman - my heart as a woman and into a deeper relationship with my Abba Father and what HE has created my heart to be.

Frustration

Seriously, I'm going to take a second to vent and whine then I'll put on my "Big Girl" pants and suck it up! I'm so tired. Ridiculously, bone-weary tired. I'm not on the verge of mental collapse that I know of...for once, I'm not feeling stressed or having great anxiety. Things are going well but WHAM, I get hit with fatigue. I'm not one to sit on the couch and do nothing. I've always been a very physical, get things done kinda gal so to be hit with fatigue is a new and unpleasant experience. What to do? Get thee to a doctor missy and quit whining. I'll keep everyone posted but would appreciate prayers for strength this week. Ron is gone until Thursday and Jake has not had a fabulous time at school with Daddy being gone.

Peace Out!

And the saga continues

Shame on me...haven't written a note on here in nearly 6 months. It's been busy and eventful.

In April we lost Ron's mom. Betty was a lovely and special woman. I will never be able to thank her enough for raising such a wonderful son. Now she's finally at peace and at home with her sons, her husband and family that went before...I know she sits in heaven and smiles down on these silly grandsons of hers.

In May we continued the season of loss with the passing of my stepmother, a cousin and my auntie. It took a while to come out of the shock of so much s quickly but God is faithful and allotted time for each of us to grieve. May also brought joy though. As things end so things begin. Evan turned 1, Kyle graduated high school and then turned 19 all within the span of a week. Busy days.

June and July brought summer fun and the heat. Thank heavens our pool survived another year. I think we've used it more this year than the two years previous combined! Summer adventures included trips to the zoo, picnics at the splashground, lots of playdates with our friends and even a Daddy-little boy camping trip with Ron taking Cam and Jake to Lake Oologah.

On to August and it's back to school. Camdyn is in the First Grade and loving it. Jacob started all-day Pre-K this year and has the same Pre-K teacher Camdyn did. We adore her and she "gets" little boys so we feel blessed. Kyle has taken his prequal test for Canadian Valley to enroll there and learn a trade but now has his sights set for a transfer in the next couple years to OSU.

As for Ron and I, well, keeping up with all these kiddos takes a bulk of our time but we are getting some of the projects done 'round the house we've wanted. Ron loves working for the Conservation Commission and I am loving being back at home managing the day to day life. We're enjoying new friendships with people from our church and love "doing life" with our small groups. For now, it's on to fall and cooler days (thank the Lord)! Blessings to you all!

Heritage

I've been participating in a Beth Moore bible study - Believing God. Great study. The premise is that so many of us believe IN God but do we actually BELIEVE God and that He is and does all that He says He can. I know that I have the tendency to "humanize" God in my own mind and attribute "human" traits to them - it's not that I forget He is omnipotent and omnipresent but I forget to rely on His powers to hold me up and guide me. I fall into the "me do it" nature that my 3 year old has. That however, is not what I desire to write about today.

In yesterday's message Beth talked about Heritage. She pointed out that if you've ever known an Orthodox Jewish family then you know that they are steeped in their tradition and heritage. Children just "know" their heritage, beliefs and background because their parents, grandparents and community of believers teach the heritage and tradition in everything they do. It is hard for their children to leave those beliefs because they are just so ingrained into every fiber of their being. She says she's just a bit jealous of that...I think I am too. I know my background. I know my history. I know my own story of salvation. My children don't. Oh, they know God but I suspect I've been teaching "fire insurance". I don't think they really know that the most important thing is God's love and if they miss out on that point...they'll miss it. Without the love...it's all just law. Thankfully our God is the God of second (and third and fourth, etc) chances. I want them to KNOW their Heritage and be so ready for God to work in and through them that they can't stand it. I want them to be crazy in love with Jesus. I want them to know that they are heirs to the throne and the spiritual seed of Abraham. Who am I kidding? I want that for myself - such a deep knowledge that my Heritage is in every promise of the covenant cut by Christ's blood.

The Old Testament is filled with moments when a memorial stone was set up - the original word used means "stood on end". Those stones were "set up" so that when their children would ask, the people of Israel could share the story of how God led them through. We are to be living stones (1 Peter 2:4-5). We are spiritual graffiti as Beth puts it. We announce "Jesus was here" - or at least we are called to do so. I endeavor to fight for my children's Heritage. I want to be writing the message of our spiritual inheritance - our Heritage in God's covenant - on my heart, on my home, in my car, in my daily actions, in the tone of my voice, in what I read, in what I watch, in every choice I make so that my children's knowledge in their Heritage will be ingrained into every fiber of their being. My children will have such strong armor that Satan's boots will shake when they get up every morning. I want them to have their hands out and up to accept each and every blessing that God wants to pour into their lives. It's time walk out in faith and quit sitting in the middle of the road - I know the direction God is calling me to. I am His servant and responsible for teaching the next generation. He's helped me thus far and will continue day by day to guide my steps until I reach the goal.

Renew

Already we're nearly a quarter into the new year. Mother Earth is waking up...let it also be a time for us to renew our spirits and our minds.

Ahhhh, Spring

Ahhh, the sun. I love the sun. I am so excited about Spring this year. After 2 years out here on the prairie we are finally going to embark on growing a garden. Now this is not a minor undertaking...we live with red clay...thick, slimy, heavy red clay. Thanks to a friend we have a rototiller which Ron is in the process of repairing. Soon, he'll bust up the ground and then off to get a load of top soil to mix in and a trip to Atwoods or TLC to get some organics and fertilizer to mix in.

The boys can hardly stand it - I think they think the plants will magically produce the pumpkins and watermelons overnight. So sorry boys! However, they are getting involved by helping me plant the seeds in our little seed starters so they are easier to plant and have a better chance of surviving. First the hardy plants - broccoli, cauliflower, onions, lettuce and peas. Then in April the more tender plants - beans, peppers, tomatoes, squash and pumpkins. Finally in May the watermelon and cantaloupe.

I am toying with the idea of putting in a few vines of grapes, raspberries and blackberries along with some strawberries in another area. Grapes will take a couple years to really establish but it would be worth it to have all those frozen grapes and grape jelly. Ron is building me a raised bed for herbs too. We are praying all the hard work pays off and we have an abundant harvest in our garden to help get through the winter. Happy Spring!!

The Update

Ugh...for someone with time, I sure don't manage it well and get this blog updated nearly as often as I should! Here's the updates for The Cardwells...

Ron has a job!!!! That is good news - he is now with the Oklahoma Conservation Commission as the engineer in charge of the Abandoned Mine Reclaimation Project. It's very interesting and he loves it. For sure a long haul in getting there with patience and finances stretched thin but God is ever faithful and always provided a way. We are thankful for this new chapter.

Jacci, Jake and Evan are back from Washington. We took a 2 week hiatus to visit family and friends. Now it's back to the job hunt for me. I have some good prospects out there. The boys start daycare next week which leaves me days to find work, interview and get the household in full order in anticipation of where God wants me.

Kyle is nearly done now with his Senior year. Golf is the next sport of choice for spring so we'll have fun attending those matches when we can. Less than 100 days until graduation...yep, still in shock. He's not sure of his future plans since he's such a procrastinator but we know he'll figure it out!

That's it for us. Looking forward to spring and working on our property and finishing a bit of room painting once we can open the windows wide again to let out fumes. ~The Cardwells