Opening the clenched fist by grace

Those who have read the blog since inception know that we've had a few challenging years here at Camp Cardwell.  Our obedience to God brought us to our "Promised Land" here in Oklahoma City and we felt blessed.  Blessed indeed...with a surprise baby boy born May 2010 - 18 years younger than our oldest.  Blessed indeed...with beautiful acreage and wonderful neighbors.  Blessed indeed...with Ron's layoff and removal of a large chunk of our income.  Pause.  Yes, you read that right.  Blessed. 

Why on earth would I consider our sole provider losing our only source of income as a blessing?  Have I lost my mind?  Though grateful for his re-emergence into work society with a $40K paycut, shouldn't I be just a bit "ticked"?  I suppose part of me would like to be but every time I've tried to feel angry God has spoken words of wisdom and growth.  Instead of anger I find peace. 

We had to be knocked to the ground to be humbled enough to do what we otherwise wouldn't have.  Go on a budget...a tight one.  Rely completely on God for provision...instead of our own ingenuity.  Now after some long conversations and prayer it is time for me to emerge back into the workforce.  We have a full time sitter for Evan since my mom is now here and has volunteered...for free, bless her heart but you know we'll still keep giving her nice things.  We looked at the budget and decided a number that we felt we should pray for as income for me.  Off I went to the web, armed with a killer resume, a few cover letters and a prayer before each submission to make sure that I was following the Lord's guidance. 

Friday I submitted for an underwriting position with OECU (Oklahoma Employees Credit Union).  Their response was "here take this big ol' test on the computer."  At first it appeared to be yet another silly personality styles test but after completion of those areas there was a math and vocabulary section.  Um, it's a good thing I paid attention in school and like algebra because this wasn't your basic 1+1=2 sort of test.  Finished the test (without the aid of calculator or dictionary as instructed) and sent a message to them.  10 minutes later...phone call, which I missed.  Today I spoke with Dusty and though they have filled the underwriter position they really want me to consider a position as a branch loan officer for mortgages.  STOP.  If you know me, you know I don't do the "schmoozy" thing with agents and I don't cold call random people on a list.  My mind sent up a "are you kiddin' me Lord?" to which I received a "Be still and listen".  Dusty further described the position - no need for realtor ties, no need for cold calling...it's just serving bank customers on their home loan needs from start to finish.  Ok, I CAN do that.  I love to help people achieve their homeownership dreams.  I interview tomorrow at 2 pm.

Now, why share all that?  Here's why.  When Ron lost his job we cashed out every bit of stock and investment funds we had to simply survive.  Timely enough our church was doing a Dave Ramsey class which we attended and learned from.  Ron found a job with a huge pay cut.Thank you Lord for the job.  We had tried the route of me working for 3 months - we paid so much in daycare that there was only $100 left over.  That wasn't a benefit so I stayed home again. We immediately contacted all creditors.  They were shocked that we were so proactive and "Yes, Mrs. Cardwell, we can modify your account to meet the new income your husband makes."  Thank you Lord for meeting the exact amount that we had left over to pay debt...I'm talking within $5 per month.

Today, I asked what the salary range was for the position at OECU.  When I calculated 75% of the low end of the range it was exactly what we had calculated we needed for me to work.  The likelihood of me being at the low end is pretty slim given the vast experience I have.  God provided our minimum and then some.  In addition, the office is within 2 miles of Ron's work....we can carpool some days to save on gas.  Plus, there are bonuses.  Thank you Lord for giving me opportunities beyond my requests.

It doesn't matter if I get this job or not...I am so excited to tell you that God provides.  I recently shared with a friend that we were not giving our full 10% tithe but only what we could do and that I was afraid to "just do it".  She shared her story with me and encouraged me to get out there and use our tax return to "catch up" our tithe, ask for forgiveness and commit to obedience.  We prayed.  We asked forgiveness.  We caught up.  That was a week ago.  This week I have an interview with more than what I asked for in income.  Coincidence?  I think not.

Go out there and trust God.  Give him your very best.  Give him your first fruits.  Never be afraid to take the chance.  He's faithful, so very faithful! 

"Bring your full tithe to the Temple treasury so there will be ample provisions in my Temple. Test me in this and see if I don't open up heaven itself to you and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams. For my part, I will defend you against marauders, protect your wheat fields and vegetable gardens against plunderers." Malachi 3:8

Peaceful parenting

Lately I have found myself at my wits end devising appropriate punishment for Cam (7) and Jake (4.5) that doesn't completely eliminate any fun for them (lack of any fun activity = excessive whininess and misery for the momma).  I think perhaps I have found the solution.  We've been working hard on first time obedience.  They are fully informed that they can either choose to obey first time or choose to have a consequence at the time of the request.  The solution...reduction in bedtime in increments of 15 minutes.  No yelling, no begging with my child to behave.  Instead a firm announcement that bedtime is now 7:45 for the offending child.  Next offense...7:30. 

Monday, Camdyn had a bedtime of 7:15 and Jacob soon followed at 7:45.  Last night Mommy was not home to enforce the rule even though it had been passed to the adult in charge.  Boys were misbehaving something fierce so today on the way from home two young men were informed of the bedtime of 7:30 that should have been enforced for Camdyn yesterday and a new bedtime of 7:30 for Jacob based on the severity of his disrespect for his Gramma shown yesterday.  A phone call to apologize will also be completed.  Much to my surprise...both boys are following instructions very well.  I'm sure the testing will come but it sure is nice to not have all the nastiness and chaos of before.

Dressing a Woman's Heart - Love

Col 3:12-14 (The Message) "So, chosen by God for this life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second-place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."

LOVE:

Holy and Beloved per the King James Version. In the Greek – hagios and agapao. Hagios refers to being blameless or sacred – most holy. Agapao refers to love as a friend or lover. We are commanded to live a life of love - a life that is holy and blameless and as a witness to those who come into our life. Beloved “agapao” love appears in 1 Thessalonians 1:4 and 2 Thessalonians 2:13 referencing “brethren beloved”. I like the word picture this brings to my mind…beloved and holy – accepted as sister and held blameless like Christ.

Too often I forget that my shortcomings have been covered by grace. I don’t deserve that and because the world teaches that nothing comes to a person free of strings I know that I run myself ragged trying to prove that I am worth receiving grace. I’m not. I try to do and say the right things so that I will be thought well of and loved. I already am. Before I open my mouth, before I start to move or give of my time, God loves me and considers me his daughter and sister to Christ. I didn’t earn that love. It was just freely given because I had the audacity to open my heart. It’s when the world shouts messages at me so loudly that I forget whose I am. I forget that I was chosen to the degree that He “knit me in my mother’s womb.” God sees every tear I cry, watches me make mistakes then seeks me out still and guides me back to the path He set out for me. Chosen and loved. Holy and Beloved.

A long overdue reality check

My thoughts this week have dwelled a bit on the fact that I am the exact age that my daddy was when he died. For years I have punished myself and regretted that the last words out of my mouth were sarcastic and mean. The phrase, "I wish you'd just drop dead," left my lips as my nearly 16 year old self went slamming out of the house. Another silly teenage/parent argument but one that would impact my life forever.


Today I was sitting here thinking what were his last thoughts? My daddy died from a heart attack at our home. Was he awake? Did he realize that his life was leaving him? What if in those last minutes he cried out, "Wait, I need more time! I need to tell my daughter I'm sorry and that I love her. I need to give my family one more hug. I have so much more to do." What convicting thoughts for me on this day as Jacob, my 4 1/2 year old, had a rough morning and went off crying to the car to have Daddy take him to school. No kisses goodbye. He was as frustrated with me as I was with him. What if that was his last moment with me? What if the legacy I left was that his mommy was mad at him?

My husband. These 4 sons. They are my whole world and I am squandering it. I'm letting the frustrations of parenthood derail my most important task - to love. Instead of acknowledging that they are having a grumpy morning, giving a hug and some encouragement I am yelling to hurry up, get dressed, quit fighting, get in the car before you are late and the cycle continues.

I don't want my last moments of this life to be filled with pleas of more time. I want to be ready to go. I want to know that I left it all out on the battlefield of life - nothing unspent or unsaid. I want my children to know clear into their DNA that their mommy loves them completely and fully, that I am proud of them, that though they frustrate me to the point of gray hairs I would never change one hair on each of their heads for another. I want my husband to know that he is my champion, my hero, my soft place to fall. I've been walking around blinded by my past and making the same mistakes...no more. This is the end of it.

Lord, I am humbled by your new mercies given each day to one who never deserves it. You are the God of second (third, fourth...) chances. Forgive my impatience, my anger, my fears. Forgive that I'm not treasuring those you've entrusted me with. Give me eyes like yours to see only their perfected souls. Give me unending resolve to look to you instead of parenting books, fads or theories. Give me the strength to love as you created me to love. Help me to trust in the knowledge that you didn't call creation "good" until you created woman. Develop in me the woman's heart that you designed. Purge me of the worldly heart that I've let grow.

Dressing a Woman’s Heart - Chosen

Col 3:12-14 (The Message) "So, chosen by God for this life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second-place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It's your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it."

Chosen:
Webster’s Dictionary defines Chosen as an adjective meaning selected or picked out, especially for some special quality. The Greek word is “eklektos” meaning select - implying favorite. The word appears again in Luke 18:7-8 (The Message) “So what makes you think God won’t step in and work justice for his chosen people, who continue to cry out for help? Won’t he stick up for them? I assure you he will. He will not drag his feet.”


We’ve been handpicked by God for a life of love. We can love without restraint because the same God who has chosen us will come to our aid if we just cry out to him. Not only has he chosen – selected as favorites – he has picked out a special way for us to conduct ourselves. A wardrobe. We can move forth in love because we have been clothed in love – His love. This is not “agape” love but “agapao” love which means that of being doted upon as a lover would.  In the Hebrew it is "agab"  - to breathe after.  That is refreshing to me this day as I acknowledge I am chosen and cherished! As a woman, I am wired with a need to know how cherished, chosen and beloved I am – especially by the one who can cast the stars from His fingertips and call each by name.

I'm sorry, but...

Why do people think that an apology is sincere when they couch it in  "I'm sorry, but..."  Really?  If you are sincere in your apology then you should simply say "I'm sorry for..." and ask for forgiveness.  Why can't they just say it and stop?  Why say sorry at all if you're just going to then explain to me why I am wrong for getting offended and add more insults in there?  Excuses, excuses.