Amazed

God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me.  His timing is perfect and His messages for me placed for me with such precision and care.  I've not been a good daughter of the King this weekend.  I've been grumpy and frustrated.  I've let self-doubt and self-pity enter my heart yet all day today I have been blessed by messages from my Abba Daddy that have set me free.  This is gonna be a long one but bear with me...it's got a happy ending.  Let's back up though to Friday for an accurate picture...

Friday was my nephew's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese.  For the record, I do not love this place...too noisy, too crazy and way to much overstimulation for my brain!  Hubby was set to go camping with the fellas from church.  Rush to the store to get a present.  Rush to the party...oops, forgot the chair I was asked by Hubby to bring.  Not much sympathy for the fact that I single-handedly wrangled the 3 very excited young ones into the car, in and out of a store and into the party.  Nope, instead disappointment because I forgot the chair.  ARGH!  Several hours later, 3 tired and grumpy little boys packed back into the car to whine all the way home and bedtime.  None of this tragic but definitely painful to my allergy congested head.

Saturday brought a larger allergy induced headache compounded by a particularly upsetting convo with my oldest.  "Look at what I got for $45," says the boy.  I turn and find "snake bite" piercings marring my child's lower lip.  "Are you kidding me," was the start, followed by, "Get out of my site for a bit 'cause I'm so mad I'm gonna blow."  A personal conversation mumbled over slamming pots and pans ensued for the next 5 minutes.  Soon, a somewhat calmer, less shell-shocked Mom was able to have a quieter and more rational conversation with Mr. Kyle.  I admitted great fear to him...fear that he is losing his true self in his decisions to try to find some identity other than what God is intending.  I admitted fear that he's pulling away from his faith and beliefs.  I admitted fear of what his influence on the younger 3 looks like in the future if these are going to be his actions.  Cam and Jake simply stared at him in horror.  Cam left the room but ever vocal Jake pronounced the piercings to be "ugly" and "stupid looking."  Out of the mouths of babes!  All day I fretted and prayed, prayed and fretted over where this child is going.  I should point out that it isn't the actual piercings I don't approve of.  I do not have an issue with piercings or tattoos - it's an individual choice.  I haven't really considered or looked at the biblical perspective on it.  I object to Kyle having them simply because they are not "true" to who he is and has been.  My niece is heavily tattooed and pierced but she has always been interested in them - lip piercing at 13 and eyebrow piercing at 14.  That's true to who she is.

Saturday night brought me to my knees weeping.  I appreciate when God brings me to full surrender like this but in the moment Saturday night I simply was a soul in pain and feeling very alone.  I could not reach Ron at all on Saturday and was feeling very vulnerable.  The boys acted up a bit in the evening which taxed the remaining strength I had and sometime around midnight I burst into tears.  It wasn't the slow quiet tears that run down your cheeks.  This was the deep gutteral cries that burn their way out.  I finally fell asleep close to 4 am.

Sunday brought illness.  Yep, I was sick.  Sick in body and sick in heart.  Ron came home, dealt more rationally with Kyle and took all the boys to church.  I crawled back in bed and remained there all day.  Kyle removed the piercings after talking with his dad and getting advice from some who are close to him.  I am thankful for the God-influenced friends and mentors placed in his life. 

Today I woke up physically better but still with a restless spirit.  Questions of why running through my brain.  Why am I such a bad mother?  Why won't Kyle talk to me?  Why did my husband do a better job reaching him?  Why am I angry about Ron camping and my being alone?  Where were you, God, in all this?  Why didn't You protect him?  Why didn't You stop him?  Can you just hear the enemy in all that?  He attacked me where I was vulnerable - as a mother and as a wife. 

But, I serve a mighty God and HE loves ME.  It wasn't long before he sent me a word through my Diva Principle calendar - "In spite of loss or disappointment, divas know their true worth and do not shrink from seeking it. They do not second-guess God or themselves because they know God's proven track record of goodness. They have a determination to survive and excel against all odds."  Convicted and corrected.

Soon, as I was reading Andy Stanley's The Grace of God, I was shown, "Every parent with multiple children eventually comes to understand this.  To let an older child get away with creating chaos in the home is an invitation to the younger siblings to follow suit.  To allow an older sibling to get away with creating chaos in the home is to refuse to protect the other kids in the home.  So God chose not to destroy (speaking of Adam and Eve's apple eating) but to discipline."  Affirmation that I'm on the right track - Wow!  Two messages from God within an hour.  What a balm to my aching heart. 

The late morning brought a devotional piece from Lysa Terkuerst. http://lysaterkeurst.com/2010/10/the-mother-load/ How did this woman know what was going on in my house? - she wrote all about it!  The afternoon brought a message sent from a gal who used to go to our church.  She ran into Kyle a few weeks ago at work and told him what an awesome mom he has but didn't tell him who she was.  She just suddenly felt the urge to share that with me today.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  God, You are amazing!  I cannot begin to tell you how uplifted I feel.  I realize it isn't about that "mountain top" feeling but the knowledge that God would send that many messages to me to encourage me is so good.  It humbles me and makes me thankful that I stopped and the Holy Spirit showed me that the words were specifically sent to restore me.  That's love.  That's grace.  Undeserved but still given.

Lord, there aren't words to speak that convey my gratitude this day.  When I felt so down, You picked me up.  You sent me sisters to encourage me.  You sent me messages that I might have missed if I continued to let the enemy mess with my heart.  Thank you for eyes that recognize the blessings found in the simple things in life.  Thank you for the softening of this heart and for the protection You provide.  I will rest in the shelter of Your wings! 

The Sorrow of Can't

Yesterday I found out that I have to have surgery.  I have adenomyosis which affects my uterus.  It's not cancerous...just inconvenient and can cause other complications.  Hysterectomy is the only way to completely resolve the problem (ovaries appear ok so hopefully they will stay and no hormone therapy.)  I share this because I am a woman.  I was designed to bring life.  My body was created to bring life.  Granted, Ron and I have chosen to not have more children but my body still could...when the surgery takes place that changes to can't.  I cannot ever bear another child and there is some loss in that.  What a huge difference between "won't" and "can't".  I'm experiencing sorrow over the idea.  This morning I was on the verge of tears because the "life-bringer" part of my life will truly be over but God is so much bigger. 

I heard a small voice deep in my heart whisper to me "Child, I understand this sorrow."  I replied, "Um, Excuse me Lord, not be rude, but You aren't a woman.  How can You understand my inability to ever bring life?"  That's when it hit me, who better to understand this pain and sorrow?  God promises that He will bring us life...if we ask for it.  If we do not, He cannot.  He understands the sorrow of can't when it comes to giving life.  He can put circumstances in our life so that we turn to Him but He can't make us love Him.  He made a covenant to let us go our way and discover Him.  For the first time in my life, I have a glimpse of the heartache God feels when one of His precious and loved children will not choose Him, choose life.  I have 4 beautiful children who I adore and who love me.  God has millions of beautiful children who He adores and who love Him - but He grieves for millions more who He cannot breathe life into because they will not choose Him.  My heart breaks, not for my own situation - this grief will resolve itself - but for all who died never knowing the life that they could have had.  My heart breaks for those who are walking on this earth right now who are hurting and will not choose life with my Savior.

Lord, You overwhelm me.  When I would be selfish and sit in my despair, You bring light to me.  You open my eyes and my heart.  You show me more of Your vulnerability and teach me so much more about Your love.  You are my life.  You are my love.  You are my wisdom.  Lord, give me bold words and a bold attitude to share You with those who are seeking.  Keep me open and vulnerable so that others may find You when they watch me.  I know the world is watching.  I know the enemy is waiting in the wings to run in to those who observe and say to them..." See, she fell.  She's faulty.  If God is perfect, then why isn't she?  If God loves her, then why do bad things happen in her life."  Give me the power to overcome his whispers, get up and walk on in Your light.  It doesn't matter much to me if I fall down - that's being human.  It matters that I get up and thank you.  It matters that I direct all attention to You for reaching down and picking me up.  You watch over me.  Amen.

Surrender

I’m trying to stay on task with all things I must accomplish today. There is so much noise. The roofers are banging away with their radio blasting – Mariachi music, which I love, but today it is just plain annoying. I find it competing with my own praise music coming from the TV. The internet is not working again. Bang…there goes another crash on the roof. SO MUCH NOISE! There is no sign of a restful heart this morning. I find myself keeping time and rhythm with all the chaos. Anxious, frantic, heart pounding out of control and in this moment I realize why I am out of sync. Did I stop and thank You this morning Lord? Did I pause for just a moment and acknowledge Your presence in my life today? Did I invite You to guide my steps?

In this exact moment, as I realize I started my day without You, the phone rings. It’s the internet company acknowledging their system is having issues again. Frustration gives way to understanding and encouragement to the poor man on the phone who is having a much worse day than I. I shut the stereo off, why am I adding to the noise by competing with the roofers’ music? In fact, I was missing out. They are joyously working away on my roof and I can hear them singing along. A smile crosses my face as I listen and watch the young man outside my window dance and then climb the ladder with shingles on his back. You are at work. You are giving me peace. You are reminding me that You are present through the chaos if only I ask You to meet me there. It would have been easy to let the enemy derail my day in frustration, to be unkind words on my lips. You have again proven to be trustworthy. You’ve brought me new mercies as I consciously re-start my day with You at the wheel. It’s continual surrender of this life. Oh how I need You.

The lyrics of Phil Wickham’s Always Forever play over in my mind but  as I recall that You need me too.

You (Jacci) are the love I need.

You (Jacci) are the air I breathe.

You (Jacci) are my love my life

Always Forever

I have laid down my life

Just to be by your side

You are my love my life

Always Forever

You need me willing to surrender. You need me willing to cry out to You, to worship You, to adore You, to love You. It’s not that You cannot do anything and everything…but You choose to need me. It doesn’t make You weak – instead You become stronger to me and more alive. I need You to save me and You do. I need You to love me and You do, in spite of myself. I need You to guide me but You need me to ask You. You love me so much that You will let me go my own way if that is what I chose. Lord, You humble me as I realize that Your beautiful heart is vulnerable. You crave me as much as I crave You. You truly pursue me and romance me but You need me to do the same. So I am running to You, chasing You, seeking more of You, loving You more each moment as You reveal Yourself to me.

Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it. Hebrews 4:16 (NLT)

God, it is to Your throne I come asking forgiveness for walking out into the world without You this day. Thank You for all the distractions – they were the guides bringing me back to You. As much as I dislike frustration, You work it for good. You use my failings to teach me and remind me that it’s a daily surrender of my life. Let me be a beacon of Your beauty today. Give me words of encouragement to share with others. Be the light in my eyes and the attitude of grace shown in all that I do. Amen

Expectation

It is true we get what we expect. Our expectations affect our countenance and our posture and signal to others if they should take our request seriously or not. Divas walk in constant expectation of blessing, promotion and open doors. They keep their eyes fixed on an open heaven. Not out of a sense of entitlement but from a heart that believes God wants to bless them.  The Diva Principle for Everyday Living - Michelle McKinney Hammond

 

Expectation according to Webster is "a thing looked forward to or a prospect of future good."  We've all heard a multitude of sermons preached on it.  The Word instructs us to wait in expectation on God's movement, His blessing, His annointing, His answers and His coming. 

 

For as many times as I've heard the message, I'm not always certain it has sunk deep into my heart.  As a child, I remember the expectation of my sister's birth. My dad had me convinced that we were having an "Indian Baby" (as in Native American) because we lived close to a reservation and I loved how pretty the babies were - all dark eyes, dark hair, dark skin. My 4 1/2 year old heart was excited.  Halloween 1975 came along with a beautiful strawberry blonde, blue eyed and pale white baby.  This was not the creature I was in expectation of.  I was mad and declared "that's not MY baby."  Poor Marjorie, I'm sorry!  Once the tantrum was over, I realized she was perfect.  So sweet and cuddly and my own living doll.  I could not wait for all the things we would do together...grow up, get married, have babies and perfect lives.  Expectation.

 

Fast forward a few months and things took a different turn.  My perfect baby doll had a major stroke that could have taken her life.  Thus began a life far different from what my expectations were for her.  Marjorie was a medically fragile child and in children's hospitals many times.  We still played all the games little girls do and one would never know she had so many issues other than she seemed just a few steps behind her peers.  My expectation was that it would always be this way and we would grow up, get married and though the danger of pregnancy was too great to a fetus she could still adopt and we would have perfect lives.  Expectation.

 

Adolescence brings budding adulthood and chemical changes to our bodies.  Those changes took a less than pleasant turn for Marjorie's epilepsy. Puberty  can worsen epilepsy as was her case.  I was already mad at God by this time and had decided to not live in expectation of anything good from Him.  Wasn't it His choice to rob us of our dad when I was 16?  Oh, the attitude of a young hurting heart.  Marjorie's epilepsy turned much worse, enough so that it threatened her life.  In high school she endured, we endured, 5 brain surgeries.  Two to cut down the seizure activity in her brain and three to fight the infection that wormed its way into her skull.  Those surgeries robbed her of speech, the majority of control of her right side hand and leg and the ability to walk.  Speech and walking were brought back through rigorous therapy.  Her greatest loss - long term memories.  Expectation changed and disappointment reigned.  I was 19 when she had the first surgery and 24 when she finally graduated high school - she was 14 and 20.  By this time, all I expected from God was disappointment.

 

Time marched on as it always does.  At 28, I met the man who would become my husband at 31.  Marjorie was my maid of honor.  At 32, I gave birth to Ron's and my first son together.  Marjorie was at the birth just as she was for my first son, Kyle - waiting outside the room in expectation of a sweet nephew.  In January 2005, she cried her heart out with me when we lost our sweet baby girl at 17 weeks.  In April 2006, she became an auntie again with the birth of Jacob.  2008 saw us move away from her to Oklahoma - I cannot describe the pain she felt.  May of 2009, she was again present for Evan's birth.  If you ask her what one of her greatest joys is, she tell you it's being an aunt.  My step-siblings all have kids galore for her to love on.  She lavishes love on each niece and nephew - and in truth, spoils them rotten :)

 

My sister is amazing!  She's outlived all doctor expectations.  Her spirit soars, most days, in a body that fails her.  Her life has been ongoing proof that miracles still happen.  Yes, I came back home to Jesus in 1999, she never left Him.  It's been a journey for me to learn to not set the expectations for this life on earth - I have to leave circumstances to the path of my Creator.  This is not the expectation I set for my sister's life but if it had been different, would I have witnessed so many miracles?  Would my children have missed out on the blessing of seeing God work? 

 

Marjorie's faith never waivered through it all.  She doesn't understand why this is the path chosen for her and fully admits that there are days when it seems too much to bear but there is a light that shines from her life.  She's been touched by the hand of God and if one stops to look, one can see that there is just something a little bit different...a little bit greater in her.  God works good in ALL things.  I can expect that!  God's hand guides our path if we surrender.  I can expect that!  God promises me an eternity with my dear sister where her earthly troubles will pass away.  Yes, I live in expectation of that! 

 

Thank you Lord for the life of my sister.  Her life has taught me much about expectation.  Today, I will live in expectation that You will guide my life, and hers, in a way that only You can.  Thank you that I can expect eternity and blessing because You are the center of my heart.  Keep me focused today on Your ways.  Thank you for loving me and for Your daily mercies and grace.  I trip and fall often enough, yet You pick me up, dust me off and send me back on the path.  You are good!

Learning My Work

As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work. We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us. Colossians 1:9 - The Message

I love my quiet time with the Lord.  One of my favorite things to do is to take a passage in a translation I am very familiar with and then go look it up in The Message Bible.  The simple change of putting the verse into modern English often takes me to a deeper level of understanding.  Today was one of those days.

I get impatient and even frustrated with my walk and relationship with God at times.  In all honesty, sometimes it just feels stagnant and as if there is a large gulf between us.  It isn't that He pulls away, it's that I do.  I don't pull away intentionally but I do let sin or my hurt feelings get in the way between us.  It's as if there is a wall that I can't get through and often it's there because I refuse to acknowledge my sin for what it is.  I've been known to either ignore it or try to justify it.  "Well, Jesus, I forgave her but don't you think she's wrong and I'm right" (Hello Pride)  Times like this require me to go back to the Word and check my attitude and heart condition against what it says.  I "learn more and more how God works" so that I might "learn how to do my work."

Learning a new language is hard.  Learning a new trade is hard.  Learning to think and act like Christ is one of the greatest challenges.  We are fleshy little creatures afterall.  I love the rest of this verse though.  I love the picture of "glory-strength".  Over the long haul of my life here on earth I want that type of strength and dedication.  Don't you find sometimes that emotions over our circumstances make us have the "gritting our teeth" sort of strength instead?  It's as if we say, "Ok, I'll bear through it because I must" instead of having the attitude that says, "Ok Lord.  This is tough but I'm thankful You will get me through.  Help me stay focused on You and not give into my feelings and grumblings." My life here on this blue-green planet may seem like a long haul at times but my mighty God has all of eternity waiting for me.

Abba, on this day give me the courage to live with Your glory-strength.  Remind me of Your divine words spoken today.  Be quick to bring them to mind when the little frustrations of this short life would seek to remove me from Your path.  Pluck my eyes from my head and replace them with Yours as I look at each situation I encounter today.  Let Your words be spoken from these lips and shut my mouth when my fleshy, human nature would seek to take over.  I'm in it with You for the term of my earthly life so that I may be in it with You for all eternity.   Amen.