The Sorrow of Can't

Yesterday I found out that I have to have surgery.  I have adenomyosis which affects my uterus.  It's not cancerous...just inconvenient and can cause other complications.  Hysterectomy is the only way to completely resolve the problem (ovaries appear ok so hopefully they will stay and no hormone therapy.)  I share this because I am a woman.  I was designed to bring life.  My body was created to bring life.  Granted, Ron and I have chosen to not have more children but my body still could...when the surgery takes place that changes to can't.  I cannot ever bear another child and there is some loss in that.  What a huge difference between "won't" and "can't".  I'm experiencing sorrow over the idea.  This morning I was on the verge of tears because the "life-bringer" part of my life will truly be over but God is so much bigger. 

I heard a small voice deep in my heart whisper to me "Child, I understand this sorrow."  I replied, "Um, Excuse me Lord, not be rude, but You aren't a woman.  How can You understand my inability to ever bring life?"  That's when it hit me, who better to understand this pain and sorrow?  God promises that He will bring us life...if we ask for it.  If we do not, He cannot.  He understands the sorrow of can't when it comes to giving life.  He can put circumstances in our life so that we turn to Him but He can't make us love Him.  He made a covenant to let us go our way and discover Him.  For the first time in my life, I have a glimpse of the heartache God feels when one of His precious and loved children will not choose Him, choose life.  I have 4 beautiful children who I adore and who love me.  God has millions of beautiful children who He adores and who love Him - but He grieves for millions more who He cannot breathe life into because they will not choose Him.  My heart breaks, not for my own situation - this grief will resolve itself - but for all who died never knowing the life that they could have had.  My heart breaks for those who are walking on this earth right now who are hurting and will not choose life with my Savior.

Lord, You overwhelm me.  When I would be selfish and sit in my despair, You bring light to me.  You open my eyes and my heart.  You show me more of Your vulnerability and teach me so much more about Your love.  You are my life.  You are my love.  You are my wisdom.  Lord, give me bold words and a bold attitude to share You with those who are seeking.  Keep me open and vulnerable so that others may find You when they watch me.  I know the world is watching.  I know the enemy is waiting in the wings to run in to those who observe and say to them..." See, she fell.  She's faulty.  If God is perfect, then why isn't she?  If God loves her, then why do bad things happen in her life."  Give me the power to overcome his whispers, get up and walk on in Your light.  It doesn't matter much to me if I fall down - that's being human.  It matters that I get up and thank you.  It matters that I direct all attention to You for reaching down and picking me up.  You watch over me.  Amen.