Amazed

God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me.  His timing is perfect and His messages for me placed for me with such precision and care.  I've not been a good daughter of the King this weekend.  I've been grumpy and frustrated.  I've let self-doubt and self-pity enter my heart yet all day today I have been blessed by messages from my Abba Daddy that have set me free.  This is gonna be a long one but bear with me...it's got a happy ending.  Let's back up though to Friday for an accurate picture...

Friday was my nephew's birthday party at Chuck E Cheese.  For the record, I do not love this place...too noisy, too crazy and way to much overstimulation for my brain!  Hubby was set to go camping with the fellas from church.  Rush to the store to get a present.  Rush to the party...oops, forgot the chair I was asked by Hubby to bring.  Not much sympathy for the fact that I single-handedly wrangled the 3 very excited young ones into the car, in and out of a store and into the party.  Nope, instead disappointment because I forgot the chair.  ARGH!  Several hours later, 3 tired and grumpy little boys packed back into the car to whine all the way home and bedtime.  None of this tragic but definitely painful to my allergy congested head.

Saturday brought a larger allergy induced headache compounded by a particularly upsetting convo with my oldest.  "Look at what I got for $45," says the boy.  I turn and find "snake bite" piercings marring my child's lower lip.  "Are you kidding me," was the start, followed by, "Get out of my site for a bit 'cause I'm so mad I'm gonna blow."  A personal conversation mumbled over slamming pots and pans ensued for the next 5 minutes.  Soon, a somewhat calmer, less shell-shocked Mom was able to have a quieter and more rational conversation with Mr. Kyle.  I admitted great fear to him...fear that he is losing his true self in his decisions to try to find some identity other than what God is intending.  I admitted fear that he's pulling away from his faith and beliefs.  I admitted fear of what his influence on the younger 3 looks like in the future if these are going to be his actions.  Cam and Jake simply stared at him in horror.  Cam left the room but ever vocal Jake pronounced the piercings to be "ugly" and "stupid looking."  Out of the mouths of babes!  All day I fretted and prayed, prayed and fretted over where this child is going.  I should point out that it isn't the actual piercings I don't approve of.  I do not have an issue with piercings or tattoos - it's an individual choice.  I haven't really considered or looked at the biblical perspective on it.  I object to Kyle having them simply because they are not "true" to who he is and has been.  My niece is heavily tattooed and pierced but she has always been interested in them - lip piercing at 13 and eyebrow piercing at 14.  That's true to who she is.

Saturday night brought me to my knees weeping.  I appreciate when God brings me to full surrender like this but in the moment Saturday night I simply was a soul in pain and feeling very alone.  I could not reach Ron at all on Saturday and was feeling very vulnerable.  The boys acted up a bit in the evening which taxed the remaining strength I had and sometime around midnight I burst into tears.  It wasn't the slow quiet tears that run down your cheeks.  This was the deep gutteral cries that burn their way out.  I finally fell asleep close to 4 am.

Sunday brought illness.  Yep, I was sick.  Sick in body and sick in heart.  Ron came home, dealt more rationally with Kyle and took all the boys to church.  I crawled back in bed and remained there all day.  Kyle removed the piercings after talking with his dad and getting advice from some who are close to him.  I am thankful for the God-influenced friends and mentors placed in his life. 

Today I woke up physically better but still with a restless spirit.  Questions of why running through my brain.  Why am I such a bad mother?  Why won't Kyle talk to me?  Why did my husband do a better job reaching him?  Why am I angry about Ron camping and my being alone?  Where were you, God, in all this?  Why didn't You protect him?  Why didn't You stop him?  Can you just hear the enemy in all that?  He attacked me where I was vulnerable - as a mother and as a wife. 

But, I serve a mighty God and HE loves ME.  It wasn't long before he sent me a word through my Diva Principle calendar - "In spite of loss or disappointment, divas know their true worth and do not shrink from seeking it. They do not second-guess God or themselves because they know God's proven track record of goodness. They have a determination to survive and excel against all odds."  Convicted and corrected.

Soon, as I was reading Andy Stanley's The Grace of God, I was shown, "Every parent with multiple children eventually comes to understand this.  To let an older child get away with creating chaos in the home is an invitation to the younger siblings to follow suit.  To allow an older sibling to get away with creating chaos in the home is to refuse to protect the other kids in the home.  So God chose not to destroy (speaking of Adam and Eve's apple eating) but to discipline."  Affirmation that I'm on the right track - Wow!  Two messages from God within an hour.  What a balm to my aching heart. 

The late morning brought a devotional piece from Lysa Terkuerst. http://lysaterkeurst.com/2010/10/the-mother-load/ How did this woman know what was going on in my house? - she wrote all about it!  The afternoon brought a message sent from a gal who used to go to our church.  She ran into Kyle a few weeks ago at work and told him what an awesome mom he has but didn't tell him who she was.  She just suddenly felt the urge to share that with me today.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!  God, You are amazing!  I cannot begin to tell you how uplifted I feel.  I realize it isn't about that "mountain top" feeling but the knowledge that God would send that many messages to me to encourage me is so good.  It humbles me and makes me thankful that I stopped and the Holy Spirit showed me that the words were specifically sent to restore me.  That's love.  That's grace.  Undeserved but still given.

Lord, there aren't words to speak that convey my gratitude this day.  When I felt so down, You picked me up.  You sent me sisters to encourage me.  You sent me messages that I might have missed if I continued to let the enemy mess with my heart.  Thank you for eyes that recognize the blessings found in the simple things in life.  Thank you for the softening of this heart and for the protection You provide.  I will rest in the shelter of Your wings!